Bury Relics Over 60 Stripes went into their final set of fixtures of their 2025 Greater Manchester Division 2 Walking Football league campaign in match week 8. A squad of 8 were available; Alan (GK), Steve M, Ken Bo, Mike, Mark E, Steve H, Neville and Andy. Ken was Manager with Pat and Keiran in attendance.
On a fine sunny day at Heywood Bury Relics Stripes prepared to do battle with the quiet confidence of knowing that the real battle would take place indoors at the Leisure Centre… who would nab the best table? Who would go for a cheeky second helping of pie and peas ?..but most importantly… who would dominate in the raffle?
None of the other teams really stood a chance as the hardened rafflers of Bury strutted with deserved confidence to take the prizes on offer. Prosecco? Yes thank you…Some chocolates? It’d be rude not to really..all the other teams bowed in reverence “ we are not worthy “ they chanted…
First game up was against the Clarets. Our reporter for this game wasn’t actually present but being adept in a technique devised for espionage by the US Army during the Cold War period called Remote Viewing (watch the film The Men who Stare at Goats) he was able to put together a report of sorts.
This game is a bit of a blur .. but it’s becoming clearer and clearer… The Clarets scored a very early goal.. which is clearly cheating…
“ we weren’t ready ref” pleaded the Relics players
“ they need at least ten minutes before they realise they’re in a game ref” shouted Ken Buggie from the sidelines but none of these perfectly reasonable requests for leniency were listened to by the ref who awarded the goal to Clarets.
In response the Relics threw the kitchen sink at them ( Nev’s sink to be precise) but the Clarets were rather un-gentlemanly “ready“ for them and brought out their Marigolds … wave after wave of hot soapy water simply couldn’t shift the grime of their stalwart defence and it ended Stripes 0 Clarets 1. Big Andy soon wiped the smile off their faces with an ominous prediction “We’ll see you in the raffle you won’t be smiling then.“
The Relics continued the onslaught in the second game, this time against Preston who can consider themselves fortunate to come away with a point in a 0-0 draw, the revered term Proud Preston just for today can be changed to Lucky Preston, on three occasions the Unlucky Relics hit the post after fine build up play, shots from Andy, Mike and Ken Bo all deserved a goal, Andy’s shot in particular defied all known laws of science somehow hitting the inside of the post, rolling along the goal line then spinning out of play, there was still the raffle to play for. Big Andy soon wiped the smile off their faces with an ominous prediction “We’ll see you in the raffle you won’t be smiling then.“
After the 3rd game versus Wakefield, their captain commented that our 3 – 0 loss wasn’t a true reflection, in saying that they scored 3 very well constructed goals, there number 9 was almost unplayable. Wait wait …. I’m having a Remote Viewing flashback. Little Tony? Lightning quick step-overs, Cruyff turns ..the Maradona spin ..thunderbolt shots on target ….
Yeah… there was definitely some of that happening. Big Andy soon wiped the smile off their faces with an ominous prediction “We’ll see you in the raffle you won’t be smiling then.“
One to mention from the final match of the season, Mike against Rochdale had the ball in an attacking position surrounded by 3 defenders, (do you remember the practice balls where the ball was connected to your foot by a piece of elastic?) it was if Mike was wearing one, he must have turned the defenders at least 3 times before making an opening for a brilliant shot equally well saved by the keeper. We set off slow in this game but gradually took over and were unlucky to draw 0-0. Big Andy soon wiped the smile off their faces with an ominous prediction “We’ll see you in the raffle you won’t be smiling then.“
Hi ho, hi ho, its off to the raffle we go for Ken and his 8 Relics and having played the final game were the last in the hall so ended up on the table nobody wants, right at the front, on arrival the guy organising the raffle was counting up the takings, Keiran pointed out that he hadn’t sold any tickets to the Relics so our tickets were some of the last sold (probably at the top so 1st out in the draw, another favourable Relics tactic 😂). Unbelievably, big Andy’s was the 1st ticket drawn😂 and he won a bottle of 🥂Prosecco. After winning 3 prizes a number came out that somebody pointed out KenBo had, his face lit up, but unexpectedly somebody stood up from another table, whoever pointed the winning ticket to Ken failed to mention the colour, fortunately Ken did not get up first and saved himself considerable embarrassment. A fitting epitaph for a season which at times promised so much but ultimately failed to deliver.
Manager Ken commented “fine effort today lads, as always fine margins, we didn’t get our just desserts today. Once again a big thanks to all the lads that turned out this season .👏👏”
Pat commented “Agree Ken. But for the posts and good goalkeeping by the opposition more points could have been achieved on the day. Still a good day at the presentation as Bury Relics scored three wins. Two bottles and a tin of sweets 😜”
An AI(an) & Psychic Goat(ee) co-production.
Bury Relics 